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The bad girl’s guide (for good girls) on how to get the Life you Love

What do bad girls, fashion designers, and artists of all kinds know about getting *exactly* the life you want, that you don't? Read on to find out.

Beautiful woman smiling and holding up a champagne flute with the words "Creating a life you love" over the top of it.

Many women, good girls and people-pleasers often find themselves year after year not getting traction on the life or goals they want.


And all of this despite the hard work, diligent planning, and effort they put in each year. Nobody works harder than a woman who is perfectionist or a people-pleaser.


But unfortunately, we end working hard at the wrong things.


If you really want traction on that goal, if you want to at last have a life you love. A life that is a work of art, an all out expression of you and your values, then you need to focus on your ability to say "no," to the right things.


Fashion designers get this. They know that the power of their collection lies in what they decide to leave on the cutting room floor.

Film editors know that a story gets more powerful when distractions are cut out.


And bad girls often get exactly what they want because they get that their "no" is more powerful than their "yes." And they aren't afraid to use it.


They get that their life is only theirs in as much as they are willing to say "no" to everything that isn't true to them. Even when it hurts some feelings, or ruffles some feathers.



A mentor of mine puts it another way:


“You don’t get what you want. You get what you tolerate.”

What you say "no" to, what you are no longer willing to tolerate, is where your real power lies.


But don't take my word for it. Let me show a real world example of why. Take a close look at the two closets in the photo below, and then answer some questions about it.


A photo of a messy overstuffed closet with clothes smooshed in everywhere, compared to a photo of a clean, orgainzied closet with lots of space and the clothes in their right spot.


Using the photo above:


  • Which person is tolerating lots of ill-fitting clothes that don’t suit her, A or B?

  • Which person is more clear on who she is, style-wise?


  • But further, who do you think has more peace and calm in her life?


  • Who has more time for the things she loves?


  • Who has the space for new opportunities to come her way?


  • Who is better at saying no to things that aren’t “her”?


  • Who do you think seems more successful in her goals, more on track?




Did you guess Person B for everything but the first question? I think we all did, right? It’s pretty obvious, just going on the closet. Of course, we don’t actually know, so why would guess this at all?


Because it's messy? Well, yes, but it isn’t just messy. It's packed to the gills with stuff.


In fact, it feels like there is no more room left in it. And we know intrinsically when there isn’t any more space left, there’s no room to create anything new. No room to breathe.

Most of know we couldn’t function well in a closet like that. We couldn’t find things or even think straight in that room. It’s anxiety inducing and disorienting.


And yet, so many of us lead lives that look exactly like that closet space: packed to the gills with all the things we said "yes" to.


And just like that closet there are probably lots of things that we crammed into our lives that don’t fit us anymore. Other people's obligations foisted on to us. Relationships that we've outgrown. Conversations that aren't our style. Places and things they no longer serve us.


It’s full of so much stuff that isn’t even really “us," that isn’t on brand, that doesn’t reflect our essence or our soul, that it’s hard to even find ourselves within or own lives.


It’s easy to feel lost every morning in closet that looks Person A’s, and it’s equally easy to feel lost in a life that is overburdened with too many "yes's" to too many people, and overburdened with “things.”

Now imagine trying to bring in new clothes to Closet A. Imagine thinking the cure is to add on with new clothes that really do reflect your style, without taking anything out.


Insanity. We all know on a bone deep level the first step is to make space in that closet. The first step is editing things out.


I think you see where I’m going here, right?


There seems to be a disconnect, especially in women, between our closets and our lives. We don’t subscribe to the notion of doing an “edit,” when it comes to our obligations and relationships. We just keep trying to add on to our already messy, and overburdened lives.


We bring in new goals: lose the weight. Make the money. Be happier. Have more fun. Start a family. Start a business. Learn French. Develop deeper connections. Meet "the One."


And we think all we have to do is try really hard to put our focus on it. To really put it front and center in our lives to make it happen.


But what we don’t do, is the tough work of weeding out the things that don’t belong in our lives in order to make space for the things that really do.

Focus doesn’t come from concentration. It comes from editing out all the distractions. Steve Jobs evens has a quote that sums it up well:


“People think focus means saying yes to the thing you've got to focus on. But that's not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other …. ideas that there are.”


What would happen in your life right now if you were willing to say "no" to everything that wasn’t on board with the life you want to live?


Imagine noticing when things felt off from the feeling you desire in your life and simply editing out those things, one by one. Everything from the simple to the more complex.


Craving joy? Then maybe the outfit that feels dull and frumpy, that you always reach for when you feel sad, needs to go. But also, maybe the coffees with your coworker who complains non-stop and makes your anxiety triple, equally needs to go.


If you want more calm maybe that junk drawer that causes frustration every time you open it needs to go.


Maybe some old thoughts about you not being enough, that cause nothing but panic and anxiety also need to go.


....And maybe letting that one family member that regularly dumps their lack of planning into your lap, making their emergency *your* emergency, equally needs to be told "no."

Because the truth is your heart may be unlimited, but your time and attention are not.


And if you let everyone hand things off to you, if you refuse to say "no" to people, your life, much like that closet from the photo, is going to be full of things you’re merely tolerating, and not the things you want.


So today: notice what doesn’t feel good. What doesn't feel like the life you want.


And start to edit those things out.


Clean up the messes. Say No. Set up new boundaries with the people around you. Get rid of the conversations, obligations and the many other things that you don’t wholeheartedly love.

And create some much need space for all the things you do want.


That’s how you get a life you love.


.......................


Happy February, dear reader! Here’s to a month of love! In that vein I hope this blog

post helped you to get the love back into your life.


You have dreams and longings for a reason, and you’re meant to create them. I know this for a fact.


If you’d like more help creating a life you love and getting really good, dare say confident at saying “no”, I’m here for it! The next step is to reach out for a coach. So, let’s chat, friend!


Book here for you FREE consult! It’s a fun way to get clarity, chat about what’s going on, and see what life coaching is all about!


With that, I’m off! I will see you all next week!



Oh and before you go. I have a gift for you!


Get your absolutely FREE guide: "55 Simple Pleasures to Wake up your Ordinary Days."


I'm getting a lot of great feedback from people on it, and I want to make sure you have a chance to grab your copy before it's gone!





Can’t get enough? Need more? I like you’re style! Here are some other articles you might enjoy:


If you’d like to write in a question for coaching feel free to message me on Facebook or email me at info@desireesommer.com.


As always, make sure to hit that like button, and sign up for blog so you never miss another post about being happy, and pursuing your dreams!


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