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Who Gets Under Your Skin? ( & How can you use it to get more love? )

Who irritates you? Who gets under your skin? We all have a knack for attracting a certain kind of person to us, that we just can't seem to tolerate very well. Someone who takes more than they give, or who's always bragging about the latest endeavor... Why is it that we often attract people who don't treat us in the same way, we treat them?

And wouldn't it be nice if we could use these experiences to learn how to ask for more for ourselves? More love, and more life? Read on to find out how!

Woman in a black and white striped dress, holding  red heart balloon and jumping for joy, a smile on her face


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Last week I asked you about the qualities in you that others might disapprove of, or find disconcerting. Because when we can excavate those lost parts of ourselves, find the treasure in them, and learn to love them, we end up with a deeper sense of self-love.

A self-love that’s more than just buying yourself the flowers. A love that can actually help heal you.

If you missed that newsletter you can find it here:

But this week I’d like you to the reverse question:

What qualities do you find disconcerting or disapprove of in others? Who can’t you stand & why?

Because that question can also help you discover more self-love. And I’d like to start off with a little story… Years ago I found myself ending up with not one, not two, but 3 people in my life who really pushed my buttons. And I mean a red-hot, scathing level of irritation. What did these three people have in common that I found so irritating & disconcerting?

They talked nonstop. About themselves. And only about themselves.

Hardly a grand crime worth all of my fury, and yet, being stuck around one of these people orbiting my life at that time managed to do just that — infuriate me. And like clockwork, they would always find a way to glue themselves to me. And somehow none of these people who cornered me to talk about themselves never, ever had time to ask about me. It was never my turn to talk. They’d interrupt me with their own stories when I’d try or simply talk over me. When a fourth person who loved talking about himself showed up I knew… Something was up.

There are coincidences in life, and then there’s this….

Life’s little way of letting you know something in your energy,

in the way you’re showing up is obviously wonky.

But what exactly was the problem in how I was showing up? They say “like attracts like.” But I was not a non-stop talker. I was very careful to not dominate the conversation, to give as much as I took. In fact, I made it a point to listen intently and be sure to ask thoughtful follow up questions to people. No one could say I was a slouch when it came to conversation! Or claim I hogged the spotlight. So why on earth did these self-centered bores always end up by my desk? Shouldn’t these conversational deadweights be attracted to each other, not me? If I was always so careful to volley back the conversation, to give them time to talk, why wasn’t I getting that same energy back from them?

Isn’t that how the law of attraction works?

……………… Turns out it doesn’t. But I think that’s how a lot of us get stuck in these sorts of situations. We end up attracting the very thing we can’t stand, even though we don’t embody any of that same energy ourselves…

  • That’s how the people-pleaser will end up attracting the very narcissist she takes pains to avoid

  • How the most deferential & humble person ends up being surrounded by just the braggarts who will really chap their hide…

  • Or how the person who takes pride in never losing her temper ends up with a coworker who can’t control hers, and worse… doesn’t even try.

…………. Why does this happen? Why do the very people who irritate us the most end up being the ones most magnetized to us? The ones we, personally, find so disconcerting… So very wrong.

The ones we can’t help judging and resenting? The ones we would never, ever want to be like?

………. Why? *Because* we would never want to be like them… Often to the point, that we become their exact opposite. We magnetize them and can’t get rid of them because they hold the very medicine we need to expand in life and to grow ( not to mention to cure ourselves of their irritating presence). Even if the medicine they are presenting is in it’s most negative form. People who are braggarts, who are arrogant, often have way too much confidence. And they are invariably attracted to people who have way too little. Wherever there is a void of confidence, the person overflowing with it (even in the most negative sense ) is going to be attracted to that void. Why? *Because* they can fill it! The medicine they’re showing us? We need to step up to the plate a little more in our own confidence, and show up without all the self-doubt. When we own more of our own confidence, and maybe toot are own horn every once in awhile, we fill in the void and there stops being space left over for others to fill up. …………………….

As for my story, what medicine did I need?

To own my right to take up more space!

The medicine they were teaching me, by irritating me to distraction? It was to take up more space, not only in conversation, but also in my life. I was often making way too much room and too many adjustments for other people in my life, and at work, hoping they would remember to return the favor. Instead, of advocating for my right exist and take up space, or tell my stories, I was just letting them walk, or rather talk, all over me. So what did I do?

I started to embody some of their energy, some of the medicine they were showing me, just in a healthier way.

I started standing up for my right to talk about myself and be listened to equally, as much as I listened to them. For instance, when *I* was done listening to someone drone on and on about themselves I simply changed the subject, -- to me. It was my turn now… They talk a little, I talk a little. I’d say something like: “Oh, that’s so interesting about your last vacation. You know what *I’ve* been finding interesting lately? This new book I've been reading..." Suddenly, I was telling them that it was their turn to listen. Not hoping they’d figure it out, but actually asking for it. Advocating for my right to be seen and heard, too. So, again, let me ask you:

What qualities do you find disconcerting or disapprove of in others? What kinds of irritating people do you have a knack for attracting to you?

And what might that say about where you aren’t taking up enough space in your own life?

Ask yourself, how can I be the healthy version of the trait they are waving around in my face so aggressively?

Not arrogant, but confident. Not domineering, but insistent on my own equality. Not lazy, but able to both work AND RELAX. Not selfish, but able to ask for and receive help when I need it. Not superior, but with a healthy sense of my own intrinsic value and worth.

Answering those questions can not only lead you to discover more parts of you to love, and more love within you, it can also lead to more growth and expansion.

And who couldn't use more of that? More love, growth & expansion?

SReady for more waynn dn

PS. My best-selling E-book and course:

"55 Simple Pleasures to wake up your Ordinary Days" still available on the website, and it's still just as popular as last seaspm! So if you've lost yours, or you never got it, or you just want to support me and this Free newswletter, go and grab yours here:

See you all next Week!

All my love,

Desiree Sommer


Desirée Sommer is a former Interior Designer & Writer dedicated to helping those around her to Beautify, Style & make their lives Fun again! She happily resides in the rural beauty of Idaho with her pet pooch Bree, where she gets to take epic hikes, and plot her next big travel escapade. Her favorite things include traveling, fil eam & anything French or Italian. Oh, and dancing! Always dancing!


Ready for more ways to find a deeper sense of

self love & joy?



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