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The Love you Really Need ( & How to Get it ) ...

We all know about the importance of love, and loving yourself, by now. But as much as people extol us to run bubble baths, and write ourselves love letters at some point we all have to admit to the limits of that kind of self-love. It just can't make a real dent in changing our lives and our attitudes about ourselves, let alone how we show up in the world.

What can? What kind of love do we really need, & how can we find it? Read on to learn more!

Woman ecstatically crossing the finish line with her hands upraised and a big smile on her face, runner panting behind her


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Happy Valentine's Week to you all! And, as such, it’s definitely the moment to re-visit a little topic we’re all very familiar with:

Love. Self-love.

Not the shallow, but sweet, “buy yourself the candies and flowers,” kind… Or ...the “Write yourself a love letter,” kind… Nothing wrong with any of that. In fact, I often advocate for all of that, and I regularly indulge in it myself.

But all of the flowers & bubble baths, & loving letters in the world can’t make a dent in our lives if we don’t practice a deeper, kind of self-love.

And that means going beyond the surface, bright lights of our lives and venturing just a little bit off path, into the deeper parts of ourselves. To go there, let me ask you a question: What parts of your personality are disconcerting to the people around you? What parts of you do hide from the people around you? What are the ways you are “too much” for people around you? And if you’re having trouble thinking of anything, than go back to your family of origin. We often end up, as kids, in families that both need some quality we’ve got, and yet, also aren’t quite ready for it. The parts of you that you’ve always gotten the feeling aren’t ok for you to show to others, or that you need to tone down, and keep under wraps. The parts of you that don’t seem “normal” and that other people seem hell-bent on forcing you to normalize or reduce. The parts of you that inadvertently got shamed.

Not because they were bad, but because they made other, less vividly alive people around you feel uncomfortable. Maybe even less than. Maybe you were the pretty one in a family of very modest bookworms, who valued intelligence more than style and beauty. Maybe your beauty made them acutely aware of all they felt rejected from, left out of…

Maybe you were an energetic, happy, loud child full of singing and projects and leaping off furniture, born into a family of very tired, stressed out and cranky, cynical adults. Maybe your vibrancy and joy made them uncomfortably aware of the joy and energy they had lost.

Maybe you were the wild, and weird, creative / artistic type in a family of accountants who liked the stability and comfort of doing things by the book, and playing safely within the rules. Maybe your freedom scared them and reminded them of something missing in their lives. Something forbidden.

Maybe you were the emotionally aware kiddo, the one that cried easily and expressed herself, whether happy, sad or angry in a house full of people who were too numbed out to really remember how they felt or what they wanted. Maybe your emotions made them uncomfortably aware of their own, carefully hidden ones.

Maybe you’re the Uber-feminine one in a workplace of people taught they can only be taken seriously if they suppress their femininity and blend in with all the other gray Brooks Brothers suits in the office. Maybe when they see you, doing both, — succeeding and expressing your femininity — it feels unfair… Like you got away with something they didn’t.

Maybe you’ve always been outrageously confident and bigger than life, in a world filled with people honed on self-doubt, who resent your bigness and confidence, when they feel forced to play it small just to stay safe. The point here?

Isn’t it funny how we end up in the places where what we have, that thing that most disturbs the humanity around us, is so sorely needed? Is, in fact, the very thing that is missing from it? How we end up in families and workplaces and communities that need us. That need that quality, that so frightens and entices them at the same time? And maybe, that’s all it ever was, that shaming that happens to everyone of us. It’s not that we’re wrong or too much, it just our humanity and fullness disturbing the safe, but stale status quo, and reminding everyone around us of what’s been missing. What’s been calling to them. Our uniqueness, is the very magic that is needed. But to own that part of us, and release it’s magic — that uniqueness of who we are, we first have to see it for what it is — not shameful, not bad, just scary to people who’ve yet to own that quality for themselves. It’s an invitation to others to come into the waters. And that’s not so bad is it? The knowledge that we can unintentionally scare people with our fullness, our bigness, our uniqueness and our humanity. And they react by trying to get us to stop doing the scary thing that is disturbing them and the status quo. They can inadvertently get us to try and squelch the most needed parts of ourselves if we let them. So this Valentine’s Day I’m inviting you to own yours. To own your magic and uniqueness. To yourself, if to no one else.

To wear it with pride and joy, this part of you that’s always been a little different, a little too much for the people around you. Can you love these shamed bits? Can you call them out by name and see them, not as unwanted, or bad, or wrong, but as beautiful qualities that are deeply needed and healing to others? Can you love yourself a little deeper? And can you dare to let this other part of yourself come out to play, just a little bit this Valentine’s Day? Can you be a little bit louder, a little bit weirder, a little bit too dramatic or bubbly, or girly, or whatever it is that’s too much and that you’ve been hiding? I hope so, because we need it out here in the real world. We need bigger, bolder, quieter, more in tune and emotionally aware you. We need confident, showboat-y, and competitive you. We need girly, feminine you. We need all of you. And we need you all. On that note, I hope you all have a beautiful & lovely Valentine’s Week! I hope it’s full of your own special kind of magic! PS. My best-selling E-book and course:

"55 Simple Pleasures to wake up your Ordinary Days" still available on the website, and it's still just as popular as last seaspm! So if you've lost yours, or you never got it, or you just want to support me and this Free newswletter, go and grab yours here:

See you all next Week!

All my love,

Desiree Sommer


Desirée Sommer is a former Interior Designer & Writer dedicated to helping those around her to Beautify, Style & make their lives Fun again! She happily resides in the rural beauty of Idaho with her pet pooch Bree, where she gets to take epic hikes, and plot her next big travel escapade. Her favorite things include traveling, fil eam & anything French or Italian. Oh, and dancing! Always dancing!


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