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We want Love, but rarely let it all the way in... especially self-love.

Romantic love from a partner is healing & validating. But what happens in quiet moments when were alone & left to our own devices, inside or outside of a relationship, can be even more poignant and telling. And like any good relationship, falling in love with ourselves requires we keep investing in us. Read on to find out how.

Woman on a rocky sea shore, staring at into the waves with the text " how to fall in love with yourself." emblazoned over the photo.

We all seek love, and especially love from a partner. Someone who can love us the way we sometimes feel we can't love ourselves. And that's beautiful... But:

Can we talk about the other kind of love ~ Self-love?

Can we talk about our ability to fall more and more in love with who we are?

Can we talk about focusing just a little more attention on the blocks we've thrown up to experiencing this kind of love for ourselves?

People think they want love and are open to it, but they fail to see the ways in which they actually hide from love and stop it from getting too close.

Why would anyone do this? Why would any grown adult human say they want love, but then put up a wall to keep it out of certain areas?


But we don't call it shame. We call it:


"That thing that makes me unlovable."

"That one thing about me that if I could just get rid of... then I would be more lovable."

"If I could I just fix this one thing, then I know I would be lovable."


And putting up a wall against love takes many different shapes & forms. It can be...

"If only I was better able to hold my tongue, less angry... Then I could experience being fully loved."

"If only I lost weight, then I could be loved."

"If only I was more successful, taller, shorter, braver, nicer, more this or that...

THEN I could let myself be fully seen, and known, and loved."


Can I offer you something radical?

The point of love isn't becoming more of something, isn't about earning love by being perfect... Or waiting until we can get rid of those parts of ourselves we don't like first...

The point of love is opening up to it & letting it in more, especially in those places that aren't so nice & perfect -- those places that don't look the way we think they should look.

The quest of love isn't to become worthy of love.

That's a fool's errand, because we already are worthy of it.

The quest of love is to learn how to let it all the way in, all the way down to even to the "ugly" parts.

I don't know if our love and acceptance can change other people, but I do know our love and acceptance can absolutely transform ourselves.

But to do the work, you've got to be brave enough to name the parts of yourself that you think make you unworthy of love.


What parts are too ugly, too nasty, too messy, too misshapen to lead with in love?

What parts of your personality or body or life would be the last ones you'd reveal to a love interest?

Write those down somewhere private just for you, and then practice applying love to those areas. Practice letting love into those specific areas.

And here's one of the first ways you can start to do that:


Look at that part of yourself, and ask yourself if you would ever tell a good friend....

 or your daughter/your son....

 or someone you loved dearly....

who happened to have that same trait, that they were unlovable because of it?

Would you tell a dear friend who weighed more than a size 8 model that she was unlovable because of it?

Would you ever condemn your friend to a life without love forever just because she isn't a size 8? Or tell her she doesn't deserve to love herself and enjoy her life because of it?

Would you tell your toddler when she has a tantrum that her anger makes her unlovable?

Your toddler screaming and kicking may not be your favorite thing to experience, but does a simple human emotion really make her unlovable?

Would you tell a family member who ended up in bed for months due to an illness that they were now unworthy of love because they aren't working hard enough and aren't successful any more? That they shouldn't love themselves anymore?


You would NEVER tell anyone the same things you're telling yourself. You would never deny a stranger access to self love, the way you're denying yourself.

So start there. Apply the same grace you'd give any other loved one to yourself.

And that doesn't mean you can't work on yourself, diet, improve your anger management, be more productive... if you want.

It just means we don't let those issues stop us from experiencing more love. Even self-love.

Which by the way is the most powerful kind. Other people's love feels good & can be reassuring. But learning to fall in love with ourselves, all of ourselves, more and more is life-transforming.

All my love,



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