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5 Ways to be a Good Wife to Yourself (even if you're not married)

It’s something we’ve all probably muttered at one time or another in our busy lives as women, “I need a wife!” whether we’re married or not. We all know the value of a good wife (even if some of us bristle at the thought of having to be her). Here’s 6 ways to be her, for you!

Groom & Bride almost kissing as they embrace with the words "Being a Good Wife to Yourself" emblazoned over them



“Everyone needs a wife; even wives need wives.

― Meg Wolitzer

It's June already, a month for many of us inextricably tied to weddings, thanks in part to it’s name-barer, Juno, Roman goddess of women, & marriage. Hence, it’s always been considered lucky to get married in the month of June.

And despite being a bride more than four times over (for Halloween that is starting when I was six until my mother decided it was, well, maybe an unhealthy obsession for a young girl to dress up as a bride for that many years running), I’m still very much unmarried.

So what business do I have telling you about marriage, or about being a good wife or life partner, even to yourself?

Well, quite a lot actually. Being unmarried, and mostly single, I haven’t been able to rely on a sturdy partnership in my life.

I’ve had to learn to lean on myself. To step up to the plate and become my own partner, to be the kind of “wife” a lot of women wish they had in their life.

And it’s useful skill to have. We all know that women in partnerships are often the backbone to many warm, loving, and positive homes.

They are the ones who not just keep the whole ship running, but infuse it with a kind of upbeat energy that makes the whole thing sing with a kind of magic.

Our own personal brand of Mary Poppins, if you will.

And no matter who you are in this world, married, single or something else, we all need to learn how to harness that same kind of magic for ourselves.

Because let’s be real, people can’t always be there for us in the way we want them to or wish they would, or have in the past. Life often gets in the way for even the most loving of partners. And we all have our blind spots.

And just in case you’re worried that this is selfish, let me remind you:

Being good partners to ourselves helps us to have more to give for others.

With that in mind, let’s get to it!

1. Have your back. Be your own co-pilot in stormy weather.

"Being married is like having somebody permanently in your corner. It feels limitless, not limited."

— Gloria Steinem

One of the most tangible rewards of being in a partnership is having someone who’s is in the thick of it with you. Someone to be a sounding board, a co-pilot with you in fair weather and storms.

There’s a definite allure in being a part of a loving team once you’re married for life. In sickness and in health, for good times and for worse.

To be a Good Wife to you? You have to also be that person for *you.*

Once upon a time I had a coaching mentor who wrote about buying herself a wedding ring, after years of waiting for “the One,” and lamenting that it hadn’t happened yet. She decided she was done lamenting fate.

That ring was not a representation of her giving up on getting married, but the physical reminder that committing to herself was just as important.

And, I don’t want give anyone out there ideas, but she did meet and marry the love of her life a scant year or two later.

So commit to yourself. Commit to having your back and and being brave for yourself, the way you would for a partner. Consider buying yourself some sort of reminder of that commitment to be your own good co-pilot, co-adventurer and partner in crime.

It doesn’t have to be a ring. It could be a necklace or bracelet you wear daily. Or it could be quote that reminds you of how strong you are that you put in a bathroom, next to a mirror you use every morning.

2. Be the person who believes in you (your dreams, & your abilities) unabashedly.

Traditionally, wives believed in their husband’s dreams and ambitions unconditionally. They told them often that they believed in them, they knew they could and would accomplish the impossible. They saw their husbands skills and talents in a golden light.

Our partners and children often flourish in the sunshine of that kind of belief and faith, but you know what? So would you.

So pour some of that sunshine into your own life. Learn to be the person who takes you and your dreams, your ambitions seriously. Who sees you in that golden light.

And who celebrates with you when you eventually do win.

Pull out a journal and ask yourself: What’s one dream you have? Now, what if you shared that deep well of belief and faith and sunshine that you so generously give to others, with yourself? How might that change how you pursued that dream?

What if you believed just as deeply in yourself and your ability to conquer the world, make a name for yourself and in your ambitions as you do for others?

What if when you put aside the inner critic and naysayer and instead put on your inner cheeleader hat? What if when things don’t go as plan, you gave yourself a pep talk about how this is just a hiccup in the road?

3. Be the kind of emotional listener & sounding board you are for others, for you.

"To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow—this is a human offering that can border on miraculous."

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Wives ,they say, are often part best friend and part lover... but also part time unpaid therapist for the people in their lives. Women are good listeners, especially when they care.

How often have you been a safe space for an irate partner having trouble at work? How often have you been the one who who murmurs soothing a “oh, no…” or “I just can’t believe that they did that,” at just the right time?

The one who helps the people around you with less emotional IQ and savvy than you, not just navigate, but understand the emotional currents around them?

Letting them know just how that back from being ill co-worker might be struggling, or a how broken-hearted teenage daughter might be feeling when it seems inexplicable to less savvy partner?

But who listens to you when you’re fighting with a boss or a having coworker trouble, with that fine intuitive and emotional IQ most women have?

Who listens, soothes, and then makes great suggestions for how to handle it to you?

When someone’s having a bad day or needs to talk, you carve out unadulterated time for them. You make space for them in your day.

Make sure to carve out that same unadulterated and uninterrupted space for yourself when things go awry emotionally.

Give yourself short walk solo. Or twenty minutes on the treadmill. A meditation. Chopping a few veggies with your Spotify playlist cranked. Anything that lets you create a little space for yourself outside of being there for others for a scant 20 minutes or so (more if you can manage it).

Something to help you quiet the mind and tap into that great emotional IQ for you.

Then grab a journal and write. Let your wiser self speak to you about what needs to happen. Be that same soothing, kind, and emotionally savvy person for you.

4. Keep the home fires burning for you.

While the spouse works those long hours, so they can make partner and put your family in a better financial place, who, traditionally keeps the home running without a hitch? The wife.

She's often the someone who makes sure the house stays in some semblance of organized, that everyone has a clean socks for that day, that the fridge gets stocked and that the meals run on time, all while making sure the field trip permission slip gets signed and turned in on time, even if “dad” is hardly home these days.

But now days, most of us, regardless of gender roles, have to work as well, whether we want to or not, whether we’re married or not, whether we have 3 kids or it’s a fur-baby only kind of home.

And if you’re working in any of those conditions, you probably desperately need that kind of wife. The one that keeps the home going.

Particularly if you’re caught up in a time crunch at work.

How do you set that up for yourself? First, let’s get clear: What exactly you need to come home to, to feel in equilibrium?

Does the bed need to be made? The dishes done? The floors picked up? Do you need dinner to be decided for you? Or cooked and done by the time you come home to feel things are at least somewhat running smoothly.

Now, whittle it down even more. What you can *live* with and feel a semblance of sanity. Decide the bare minimum and commit to that.

Put systems in play to keep the house and family on track for you, while you work. Get a routine and employ as much outside help as you can reasonably afford and find.

Can you find/afford someone to help with the housecleaning? Even one hour a week can be a godsend. Can kids and family be coerced into helping with chores?

Plated or Marley and Spoon can deliver ingredients for meals to your door. Or decide on nights where you just don’t cook.

Keep other meals on a simple routine: Mondays are salmon, Tuesdays are pork chops, Wednesdays we order in, Thursdays are chicken and Fridays are back to salmon. Etc.. And stick to it.

The idea here is to keep things on an even keel at home for you. So you can function at your best as you, like most of us wives, moms and single ladies, must work.

But it’s easier to do that, when the wheels aren’t constantly falling off, or worse, scattered all across the house where no one can even find them.

5. Be your own charming, social “better half,” who makes you look good.

In ye olden days, and even these days, wives often acted as the social buffer for their hubbies.

They go to that office party with all the bosses and help him to charm the room. And often help to secure that promotion to boot!

They also talk up their husbands to their own social network:

Your brother’s Sister-in-law needs a good architect? Why, your husband Larry is just the man for the job! He even won Best of the West three times in a row for architectural design!

Women are, in more ways than one, often the social connectors in their partnerships. Securing deals, new jobs, and the respect of others before their spouses even enter the room.

Now imagine if we also did that for us.

Do you all remember Mama Gena, the writer?

She used to do a delicious little practice called the Golden Brag, where she’d encourage women to get together, not to gossip, but to brag. About themselves. Yep. You read that right.

It’s sort of shocking isn’t it? And also kind of delicious…. Maybe even naughty. Why? Because we’re constantly taught as women to be humble, and self-effacing. To be Modest.

But spending time constantly downplaying your talents and wins takes a toll on you and your psyche. Say something for long enough, and you can’t help but start to believe it.

Think about if you were that wife at that Office Christmas party, and you had to brag about yourself, talk yourself up the way you would your husband to the partners…?

What would you say? Write that stuff down, and make it a point to repeat it to yourself.

Enlist a good friend. Make weekly date to call each other, and no matter how awkward brag about something you did with the same gusto as a wife would. Do it until it becomes natural.

Then do it some more! ;)

So there you have it! Five sure-fire ways you can be the kind of wife you've always needed for yourself, and make yourself stronger and more confident in the long run. Not to mention making the kind of safe emotional space and home you've always probably been great at making for others.

I hope that helps and as you practice these, remember:

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength. While loving someone deeply gives you courage."

— Lao Tzu

And the wonderful thing about this quote, as that it works just as well when we deeply love ourselves and experience that kind of care as it does when we involve somebody else.

Much love all,

And happy Wedding Season!

Desirée Sommer


Desirée Sommer is a former Interior Designer, and a current Writer/Speaker who helps people just like you Style, Beautify and make their lives Fun again!

She happily resides in the rural beauty of Idaho with her pet pooch Bree, where she gets to take epic hikes, and plot her next big adventure/road trip/travel destination.


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